Thursday, July 16, 2009
Naked kids at home
Today I read an article in the NY Times about children wanting to be naked. One particular section in the article made me think about what my reaction would have been to this situation.
So there are two parts to the situation above.
a) Being naked
b) Urinating in the backyard
Lets deal with the second one first. For a child who is almost 6, urinating in someone else's backyard, certainly not acceptable. Ms. Dominguez needs to make sure that Hayden is made to understand that some he is (probably) allowed to do at home is not acceptable at other places. A non controversial example is that Hayden (or my kids) should not open someone else's fridge and help themselves to stuff without permission.
Next is the nudity. Well, the lady in Burlingame (very close to where I live actually) is overreacting. No kid would be scarred for life by seeing a naked body. If something in not acceptable in your home, make the rules very clear. If broken, let the child's mom know what is acceptable and figure out what needs to happen. Freaking out never helps.
So, now my thought about kids wanting to be naked and what people think. First there are two situations here. One is at home and the other is in public.
In a private situation, my kids can be naked for as long as they want, as long as that does not come in the way of any scheduling like heading off to school, the park... or just heading out. After a bath both the kids have "nangu time", translates to naked time. They run around, squealing, chasing each other and just having a good time. When I turn on the sprinklers in the backyard, Eve strips down before running around naked on the grass. Arjun can't be trusted to be naked for too long cause he pees/poops on the floor (twice so far) and stands there, points and it and says "Ooooh!". But he gets supervised naked time.
The next situation is with people at home. Well, it depends on the people, if it's relatives, it's all good. With other people, we haven't been in a situation too often. Eve used to bathe with her friend Eliana and then they would be naked, but that was a couple of years back. I don't think Eliana's parents thought anything about naked babies playing together.
The last situation is being in public. This one's tricky and has plenty of facets. One is the beach. I'm all for kids being naked in safe places. If someone else takes offense it is their puritanical obsession with sexuality and thereby child abuse. Anytime there is a discussion of children being nude in public, there is always a religious wing-nut who has something demented to say.
I also can't understand why people think that naked kids are more susceptible to sexual abuse. If that was true, we'd see the majority of sexual abuse incidents should be of the kids who were naked, and I'm pretty sure that is incorrect. Clothes don't magically stop child abuse. It's similar to what some idiots say about women who were dressed skimpily and was sexually assaulted... "She was just asking for it". The clothes have NOTHING to do with this kind of abuse, it the deviant who's responsible.
I am appalled that some would impose their own (skewed, misplaced) sexuality on pure beings. I want my children to be comfortable with their bodies. Let them run free and innocent.
"Upon picking up her son, Hayden, from his friend’s house in Burlingame, Calif., last year, Rachael Dominguez, an optician, said she was stunned when the friend’s mom told her that Hayden, who turns 6 next month, was not welcome back because he had undressed and urinated in the yard. “She said, ‘I just think it’s a bad example for my children and I think he shouldn’t come over and do that anymore,’ ” said Ms. Dominguez, 42."
So there are two parts to the situation above.
a) Being naked
b) Urinating in the backyard
Lets deal with the second one first. For a child who is almost 6, urinating in someone else's backyard, certainly not acceptable. Ms. Dominguez needs to make sure that Hayden is made to understand that some he is (probably) allowed to do at home is not acceptable at other places. A non controversial example is that Hayden (or my kids) should not open someone else's fridge and help themselves to stuff without permission.
Next is the nudity. Well, the lady in Burlingame (very close to where I live actually) is overreacting. No kid would be scarred for life by seeing a naked body. If something in not acceptable in your home, make the rules very clear. If broken, let the child's mom know what is acceptable and figure out what needs to happen. Freaking out never helps.
So, now my thought about kids wanting to be naked and what people think. First there are two situations here. One is at home and the other is in public.
In a private situation, my kids can be naked for as long as they want, as long as that does not come in the way of any scheduling like heading off to school, the park... or just heading out. After a bath both the kids have "nangu time", translates to naked time. They run around, squealing, chasing each other and just having a good time. When I turn on the sprinklers in the backyard, Eve strips down before running around naked on the grass. Arjun can't be trusted to be naked for too long cause he pees/poops on the floor (twice so far) and stands there, points and it and says "Ooooh!". But he gets supervised naked time.
The next situation is with people at home. Well, it depends on the people, if it's relatives, it's all good. With other people, we haven't been in a situation too often. Eve used to bathe with her friend Eliana and then they would be naked, but that was a couple of years back. I don't think Eliana's parents thought anything about naked babies playing together.
The last situation is being in public. This one's tricky and has plenty of facets. One is the beach. I'm all for kids being naked in safe places. If someone else takes offense it is their puritanical obsession with sexuality and thereby child abuse. Anytime there is a discussion of children being nude in public, there is always a religious wing-nut who has something demented to say.
I also can't understand why people think that naked kids are more susceptible to sexual abuse. If that was true, we'd see the majority of sexual abuse incidents should be of the kids who were naked, and I'm pretty sure that is incorrect. Clothes don't magically stop child abuse. It's similar to what some idiots say about women who were dressed skimpily and was sexually assaulted... "She was just asking for it". The clothes have NOTHING to do with this kind of abuse, it the deviant who's responsible.
I am appalled that some would impose their own (skewed, misplaced) sexuality on pure beings. I want my children to be comfortable with their bodies. Let them run free and innocent.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
How do I raise two happy kids? Offhand, 9 ways.
I've been a dad for about 3.5 years. Watched one new born develop into a happy, fearless, loving and mostly courteous little girl. Next in line is a boy who is slowly turning into a toddler. He is quite loving too and hero worships his big sister.
Today I was listening to Neal Conan on "Talk of the nation". Today's topic was "Learning to be a Father" where the guest and callers spoke about the steep learning curve of being a dad. Also, this morning Tricia mentioned how Mukti was struggling(?) with being a new mom. Mukti assumed that it would be a lot easier for her than other people because she took care of Shay, my nephew from birth till she got married about a year or so back. Now, what I say "took care of Shay", I mean she helped my sister with many things and was there for her when needed most. My sister certainly appreciated the help. Also, I have been speaking to a colleague who is expecting triplets and Tricia and talk about how much work it could be...
All of these things made me think of how to try to raise two happy children. My hypothesis is that happy children make for well adjusted adults. So lets list it out.
1. Help them understand what is appropriate behavior.
Tantrums and meltdowns are common with kids that age. That is how they express their displeasure. I smile easily and often. I show them when I'm happy and hug them often. They see that and respond back. Sometimes they may not want to, I solider on. Usually, grumpiness loses.
2. Boredom is normal
I see parents put kids in front of the TV, game console & electronic toys that stop them from exploring. There are plenty of studies that prove that the child's development is being limited. But it's easy, right? What we did is put the trike, push car, easel and a few balls in the backyard. The kids go out there and ride, push, walk, paint, draw and so much more. You do not need to entertain them all the time, let them create their own entertainment. Arjun just sits on the lawn in the backyard and watches birds, chipmunks and airplanes. Only recently, can he tell the difference between the 3.
3. Involve them in "adult" work i.e. child labor
Eve is my little helper/slave when I do any work around the house, wash the car etc, edit home videos, work on my website, clean, do laundry and much more. She is thrilled to be a part of adult activities and tells Arjun, "When you're older, you can help too". She helps Tricia water the garden, plant new plants, fertilize and more. Of course stay safe, never have them help you around power tools or anything that has sharp edges or poison in it. Yup, follow your natural instinct.
4. Show 'em how happy you are to see them
As soon as I walk in the door after work, I make sure I go to them and give them a hug, kisses and ask them what they did. It's not always easy because I'm obsessive compulsive and need to put my stuff in the right place. Make sure the living room is cleaned up etc. But, they are much more important.
5. Friday night is sleep with Mama/Baba night
Eve looks forward to Friday when she can sleep with us. It's a special little thing we do to make her feel special. Plus, I love seeing her little sleeping body next to us.
6. Not all entertainment happens outside home
We make sure that we do interesting things at home and involve them in it. For example, for our anniversary, we made sure that they were involved in the candle light dinner. It was a special night for her. She also helps us cook, paint and other things that will entertain her. This sounds a lot like #3, but here we are doing entertaining things rather than chores.
7. She makes some rules
This one we've not quite implemented but are working towards. One of her rules is that she must go with me if I decide to go pick up bagels for breakfast on a weekend. I don't want to be the overbearing parent who makes all the rules, I want them to think about rules they can set, that we follow.
8. I let them know that they are more important than work
I work from home on Fridays and try to make sure that I spend time with them over lunch and during the day when I would normally take breaks at work. They like to sit on my lap in the office chair as I spin around. All they need is 5 minutes and they are ready to continue with the rest of the day. Similarly, I don't touch my laptop after I get home from work and till they go to bed.
9. Create special things to do
I'm quite a bit nuttier than Tricia and I do oddball things most of the time. This usually involves the kids. We listen to rock from the 70's & 80's and I teach them the words. Not so much Arjun yet. So, she can now sing a bunch of weird songs like "Mr. Roboto" and "Bicycle" Race". I love it, they will be "those" kids. Plus, I do a lot of horsing around and they love it.
These are things that work for me. Other things work for Tricia. Maybe she will write about how she raises such happy children considering she does 80% of the raising. I just show up to take the glory and grill some meat.
Labels: Arjun, Eve, Musing, Parenting
Monday, September 08, 2008
Arjun's namesake
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Arjun's annaprashan
Preamble and full disclosure: I was raised quite differently compared to the other kids I knew growing up. My parents were indifferent towards religion, Hindu ceremonies and all the superstition that comes with it. So this just means that I know very little of the ceremony we had for Arjun. That is not to say that I did not have one as a kid, just didn't have the religious significance. Was just another reason to cook and entertain. Much like it is for us. Although I must say Tricia does take it more seriously.
The prep work for the Annaprashan nee Mukhe-bhaat started Friday afternoon. I decided to work from home so I could help out as much as I could. The menu was going to be:
- Stir fried cabbage
- Yellow daal with coconut
- Potato chechki
- Doi maach
- Posto chicken
- Kosha mangsho
- Tomato chutney
- Payesh
- Rice
And Arjun was going to get boiled rice. Nice huh?
So, Tricia and I started cooking early on Friday so we could start cooling things off to store in the fridge. It was long laborious process. See, we aren't really food snobs* but we like to use fresh ingredients. This includes all the spices, which we grind in our little Magic Bullet (Perfect for Indian spices).
Tricia headed off to Whole Foods to pick up the fish, chicken and veggies needed and then to Alladin a local middle eastern grocery store to pick up goat meat, in Indian parlance, mutton. Bengalis like me calls it Mangsho, which translates to meat, but almost always means goat.
If you haven't had goat, you sir/lady, are missing out. Lamb is OK and can be tough on many occasions especially if it's shank. Goat takes a lot of cooking and I will tell you shortly, just how long. In fact, I'll add all the recipes here so you can try some of this at home if you'd like.
We tag teamed all day and got most of the cooking done. One of the things Tricia always leaves up to me is the Kosha Mangsho, this is a very fragrant curry made with whole spices, simmered for about 6 hours. Yeah, it tastes much better than it sounds. Always a hit, never a miss.
Back to sunny boy, to be totally honest, we were having this ceremony for him, but last week he had his first bite of some sort of Cantaloupe during the Ford family reunion. He was just chomping down on it. Here's some TMI, later that evening, he popped the little cantaloupe bites out whole. No digestion or anything.
Arjun and Eve just played and laughed all day while I was multitasking between work and cooking. Tricia mostly focused on cooking so I could get my work done.
We cooked everything except the Alu Chechki, which is so simple to make, a caveman could do it. We cleaned up the place and headed to bed. It was quite a long day but we knew that we had most of the work behind us.
The next day I took Eve for her soccer practice, check the pictures below and headed home to shower and get ready for people to arrive around 10:30am. Tricia wore one of my mom's saris, I wore the only kurta I own, (yeah, I know it's a little pathetic), Eve wore her new salwar kameez that my dad brought for her and Arjun wore a kurta with a shawl. We are one solidly desi family... dontcha think?
We had a few friends not show up because kids weren't well, but that is the nature of the game. I got everyone drinks and then did the talk about Annaprashan. I did not know at the time but that day was Rakhee too. If I had known I would have had better material for my speech and it may have sucked less.
Unfortunately besides Vic and Paul none of my colleagues could make it, I had not given most people any notice. Told them the Friday before and most already had plans. Paul had known about this a month or so in advance so he chose us over sawing wood or whatever that madman does in his garage while his lovely wife melts glass in a tandoor. Quite the couple I must say.
Arjun sat in the high chair in the sun... I should have bought a patio shade... and took his first rice from his dida. And he loved it. He grabbed it with both hands and slurped it down. Considering he's been on a lactose diet for about 6 months now, I behave similarly.
He was so happy and smiled and laughed with everybody. We had a really good time with some great friends. I will add recipes for your perusal soon. And yeah, people pigged out on the food. I did make one mistake, I had made the cabbage in a hurry and forgot to salt it. Ah well...
* I may be a bit of a snob because I refuse to touch Velveeta, Mac & Cheese and anything that needs to be (re)hydrated unless I'm backpacking.
Labels: annaprashan, Arjun, rice
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Arjun was born
Well, this post is long overdue. Hopefully I'll be able to finish while the little one naps...
When I learned I was pregnant the second time, we were thrilled! Towards the end of the pregnancy I also set out on a mission to ensure that the things that had made my labor with Eve difficult (although in reality it wasn't a difficult labor, there were aspects I wanted to be different with Arjun's birth.) The first thing I wanted was to see if I could avoid breaking my coccyx a second time. So I went to a prenatal chiropractor. The idea was that she could ensure that my hips would be better aligned to create space for the baby to lie in an optimum position facilitating a faster labor and birth. I got exactly what I asked for, without knowing what exactly that meant!
I woke up on the Saturday before Arjun was born with my mind buzzing. So many things to do before our baby was to be born and I was quickly approaching the end of my 38th week, which was exactly when Eve was born. I had two days to be exact. I started the morning off with trying to finish up the invitations my subcommittee were in charge of doing as a part of the Little Wonders School Spring Fling. Sent a flurry of e-mails and then headed out of the house for some errands. I still had to buy material for Arjun's sling and I don't really remember what else... I barely had a moment to breathe but managed to stop by my friend Christy's place, when it dawned on me that perhaps my urge to get everything done was a sign of nesting before the birth. I actually thought to myself how ironic it would be if I went into labor this weekend.
That evening we were supposed to head out for a double date with Paul and Victoria, but our babysitter canceled on us again (really might be time to find someone new!) so we invited them to come to our place. Anupam whipped up something super yummy in next to no time and we put Eve to bed. We had a great evening chatting and laughing when I started to get a really uncomfortable stomach. I was having strange contractions which I thought were the usual Braxton Hicks, but they were coming awfully often (I didn't bother to see how often, but it seemed to be every few minutes.) I just thought that I needed to change positions or something so I suggested we move to the living room. Hmmm... no better. The thought crossed my mind that I could be in the early stages of labor, but then convinced myself that it couldn't be. I think that Paul and Victoria left shortly after midnight and we promptly hit the sack. I didn't bother mentioning anything to Anupam because I didn't want to say anything and not be quite sure first. I actually managed to sleep the whole night but woke up fairly early to progressively stronger squeezes in my stomach at 10 minute intervals. I think it's time to say something to Anupam.
The contraction kept coming by 10am I was pretty convinced that I was indeed in labor so I started making phone calls. First, Lis our Midwife, to let her know that things seemed to be beginning. Ashia, to see what she was doing and if we needed Eve to make an exit at some point would she be free. A while later, Alexis our Doula so she could have her heads up.
I was starting to get pretty uncomfortable, but still able to do other things. I was also pretty tired from being up so late the night before, so in an effort to keep things moving we decided to head to the neighborhood park. It was a slow walk with a stop every block or so as a contraction passed. I actually got one in the middle of the street and had to force myself to keep walking so as not to get run over. I paced in circles around the playground and Anupam pushed Eve in the swing and chased her around the place. Every two to three minutes I had to stop and yell for Anupam so I could hold his hand. We decided to leave for home, but needed to make a quick stop in Safeway. Anupam convinced me to go along and I did, but had to leave early. It was such a relief when I finally got moving again. Waiting in line and in public was just excruciating!
Eve took her nap and Anupam and I just tried to pass the time. The contractions were obviously progressing, but seemingly on the slow side... When Eve woke up from her nap, I asked Anupam to call Ashia to see if she could go over to their house for dinner. I just didn't want the extra distractions and by around 7pm I was ready to call Alexis. She had just arrived when Eve came home and I think with Ashia and Alexis being new in the process, I seemed to slow down a bit. Lis gave me a call to check in with me and I told her that I seemed to have slowed down so was going to try to catch some shut eye. We made sure Alexis was comfortable on the couch and Anupam and I went to lie down. What seemed like minutes later were a series of very strong contractions very close together and that was when things really seemed to start moving. Around an hour after speaking to Lis, we were asking her to come over. The contraction were hitting hard and often, but I still felt in control of the pain and kept wondering when it would get unbearable like it had with Eve's labor.
Lis arrived and I kept laboring. She started to fill the birthing tub and at some point she suggested that I get in. It was a smaller tub and I felt like I couldn't rest in there as well as I could in the tub for Eve's birth, so they tried to fill it with a bit more water. It was a bit better and labor kept right on getting stronger and stronger. I still felt in control of the pain, but was starting to get anxious for it to end because I was feeling so sleepy! Until my water broke...
This is where I think things in his labor were different from Eve's because all the things I had prepared for changed...
I knew that when the water breaks it usually intensifies labor so I thought to myself this is where it's going to get hard but I also thought that I was pretty close to transition so I could make it through it. I was so wrong!
Oh boy was I not prepared for how the labor would change. Where I was peaceful and calm, almost Zen like, in Eve's labor I was shouting and screaming with Arjun's. At one point I was saying that I couldn’t do this anymore and Lis reminded me that my self-talk was very important, and while I agreed whole heartedly with what she was saying, I couldn't change the fact that I truly felt I just couldn't go on. Now I was out of control. I was still in the birthing tub, with Lis holding my hands. She handed me over to Anupam, so that she could make a phone call to the second midwife. It was time for her to make her appearance. That's when it happened. Arjun shifted down in the birth canal beginning the end of transition. I contaminated the birthing water, making it impossible for him to have a water birth. Lis insisted that I take a shower before moving to the bedroom. While I had tried to prepare myself for the possibility that he wouldn't be born in water like Eve was, I never truly believed that he wouldn't be.
I think getting out of the water and then taking that shower were among the hardest things I have ever done. And getting both of those things done before the next contraction was impossible. I felt panicked and crushed Anupam with each contraction as my body started push. My only thought was to get into the bedroom and try to get comfortable. I kneeled on the end of the bed when Alexis asked if she should call Ashia so that Eve could be part of the birth. I said no because I was afraid that she would be scared with all the screaming I was doing with each push.
18 minutes later, I knew that he was getting close because I felt a sensation that I will spare you readers the details of. I pushed for 4 hours with Eve I couldn't feel her progression down the birth canal; not true with him.
At that point, Anupam, whom I had a death grip on and was probably, bruising his hands, tried to get up saying he'd be back in just a minute. I just knew that he had remembered that he never synced his watch with the atomic clock like he had his computer when Eve was born. If he left now, he'd miss the birth, not to mention that I just needed him there. What else was I going to scream at with the next contraction? Sure enough, probably 5 pushes later, Arjun was born on our bedroom floor. Finally, it was over. He was born and they handed him up to me. I finally got to hold my beautiful baby boy.
But, he wasn't breathing.
I didn't panic for the first few moments, because it took Eve some time to take her first breath as well. When he did, however, his breathing was quite labored and gurgly. Maria, the second midwife (who had arrived only 20 minutes before), took him from me and started to massage his body. Within a minute his breathing hadn't improved and Lis went for the oxygen tank. They both said I should talk to him, encourage him, but somehow I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if I should be scared or happy. I think I still felt that it would pass on his own and that he just needed a bit of time. 5 minutes passed and he was no better and talk of an ambulance started. We had clothes all ready for him, but no hat, nothing he could wear out of the house. Lis needed me to deliver the placenta, or a trip to the hospital would become all too complicated.
It seemed suddenly that all our careful planning hadn't been good enough: we didn't have the car seat installed, didn’t have warm clothes for him, didn't have enough blankets. I was all too aware of Maria's irritation about our "ignorance" that something could go wrong and that it was possible we'd be in this situation. We were worried that we were going to run out of oxygen and his color quickly turned to purple without it, so it was clear that we needed to get to the hospital. Lis basically told me at that point that if I delivered the placenta we could get ourselves to the hospital and if I didn't we'd have to call 911 and I'd become their patient and she'd have no control over the situation any longer and we could potentially end up in different hospitals. Out that placenta came, only moments later... Alexis brought me a bowl of cereal and got me some clothes.
Meanwhile, since Anupam woke Eve up while going into her room to look for a baby hat, Alexis called Ashia to have her come pick up Eve and take her to her house. I think if it hadn't been for Ashia's clear mind and good sense, getting to the hospital would have been more of an ordeal than it already was. Anupam was going to head to the garage to install the car seat, so she lent us her car with a rear facing car seat, Maria swaddled Arjun as best as she could, we buckled him in and Lis sat in the back next to me helping me hold his oxygen in place.
We walked into the emergency room and were met with rolling eyes at our apparent risky decision of having our baby at home. They took Arjun from me, put me in a wheel chair and wheeled us upstairs. I finally started to feel a bit better because I knew that we'd have the oxygen we needed and finally trusted that we'd have a happy ending. The doctor got Arjun stabilized, put him under an oxygen hood (which is where he stayed pretty much un-held for the first 24 hours of his life!), and I was given a room where I could rest. Anupam stayed up with Arjun, his hand on his chest, talking and singing to him, while Lis and I rested. A few hours later, Anupam came in while the nurse shift changed. He brought breakfast for all of us.
Doctors had changed over and the new doctor came to speak with us. I was so thankful that Lis was still there with us. The chest x-ray had shown that his lungs were filled with fluid (big surprise!) and she wanted to start an IV of antibiotics while waiting for his blood culture to come back from the lab. His breathing had cleared up considerably, but he'd have to stay for probably 48 hours. We agreed after asking a few questions, and they put in the IV.
I cannot describe the feeling a parent has while watching their helpless baby, not even old enough to know that the world around them isn't full of pain, be poked and prodded and literally untouched or held for the first few days of life. I felt immense sadness, but strangely at the same time, I had this odd disconnection. I didn't feel the same intense need to be with him that'd I'd had instantaneously with Eve. I knew logically that that would come with time, but I wasn't happy that it wasn't there already. Lis left sometime in the morning after making sure that we were all okay, I was comfortable, and we didn't need her any more.
Anupam headed home to clean up the place, bring clothes, meals etc and then to see Eve and spent the morning playing with her at Ashia's house. He came back to the hospital for a while, but eventually left again to go get Eve and relieve Ashia. I spent my time either sleeping or sitting next to Arjun’s cradle in the NICU. Anupam brought Eve (and dinner) by to meet him and see me but then went back home so Eve could sleep in her bed. Arjun's first night in the world and we slept in separate rooms instead of cuddling him close. On one hand, I knew that he would be well looked after and that I needed my rest for when he got home, but on the other I felt immense sadness that I couldn't give him what he deserved. Anupam spent his first 48 hours of life, running around, back and forth to the hospital, cleaning up the house, and often forgetting to eat and responding to work email which he gave up after day 1.
My mom got there on Tuesday and it got a bit easier for him to just stay with us in the hospital after that, so that was a relief. And finally on Tuesday afternoon I got to spend time holding my baby and even trying to nurse him. What a relief! That night the nurses woke me every three hours to nurse him and he was cleared to go home early the next morning. His breathing ordeal was over, and we finally got to go home and start being a family.
Now, after time has passed, I still feel intense sadness that our first pictures of him are in the hospital. I feel sad that I wasn't able to hold him, and had to spend so much time away from him. I can still clearly remember the pain and loss of control of his labor and birth. I feel a loss of that intense instant bonding that happens when you hold your baby for the first time after birth. These are things that I can't change any longer.
4 months later, Arjun is now a happy smiling baby and our lives will be forever changed!
When I learned I was pregnant the second time, we were thrilled! Towards the end of the pregnancy I also set out on a mission to ensure that the things that had made my labor with Eve difficult (although in reality it wasn't a difficult labor, there were aspects I wanted to be different with Arjun's birth.) The first thing I wanted was to see if I could avoid breaking my coccyx a second time. So I went to a prenatal chiropractor. The idea was that she could ensure that my hips would be better aligned to create space for the baby to lie in an optimum position facilitating a faster labor and birth. I got exactly what I asked for, without knowing what exactly that meant!
I woke up on the Saturday before Arjun was born with my mind buzzing. So many things to do before our baby was to be born and I was quickly approaching the end of my 38th week, which was exactly when Eve was born. I had two days to be exact. I started the morning off with trying to finish up the invitations my subcommittee were in charge of doing as a part of the Little Wonders School Spring Fling. Sent a flurry of e-mails and then headed out of the house for some errands. I still had to buy material for Arjun's sling and I don't really remember what else... I barely had a moment to breathe but managed to stop by my friend Christy's place, when it dawned on me that perhaps my urge to get everything done was a sign of nesting before the birth. I actually thought to myself how ironic it would be if I went into labor this weekend.
That evening we were supposed to head out for a double date with Paul and Victoria, but our babysitter canceled on us again (really might be time to find someone new!) so we invited them to come to our place. Anupam whipped up something super yummy in next to no time and we put Eve to bed. We had a great evening chatting and laughing when I started to get a really uncomfortable stomach. I was having strange contractions which I thought were the usual Braxton Hicks, but they were coming awfully often (I didn't bother to see how often, but it seemed to be every few minutes.) I just thought that I needed to change positions or something so I suggested we move to the living room. Hmmm... no better. The thought crossed my mind that I could be in the early stages of labor, but then convinced myself that it couldn't be. I think that Paul and Victoria left shortly after midnight and we promptly hit the sack. I didn't bother mentioning anything to Anupam because I didn't want to say anything and not be quite sure first. I actually managed to sleep the whole night but woke up fairly early to progressively stronger squeezes in my stomach at 10 minute intervals. I think it's time to say something to Anupam.
The contraction kept coming by 10am I was pretty convinced that I was indeed in labor so I started making phone calls. First, Lis our Midwife, to let her know that things seemed to be beginning. Ashia, to see what she was doing and if we needed Eve to make an exit at some point would she be free. A while later, Alexis our Doula so she could have her heads up.
I was starting to get pretty uncomfortable, but still able to do other things. I was also pretty tired from being up so late the night before, so in an effort to keep things moving we decided to head to the neighborhood park. It was a slow walk with a stop every block or so as a contraction passed. I actually got one in the middle of the street and had to force myself to keep walking so as not to get run over. I paced in circles around the playground and Anupam pushed Eve in the swing and chased her around the place. Every two to three minutes I had to stop and yell for Anupam so I could hold his hand. We decided to leave for home, but needed to make a quick stop in Safeway. Anupam convinced me to go along and I did, but had to leave early. It was such a relief when I finally got moving again. Waiting in line and in public was just excruciating!
Eve took her nap and Anupam and I just tried to pass the time. The contractions were obviously progressing, but seemingly on the slow side... When Eve woke up from her nap, I asked Anupam to call Ashia to see if she could go over to their house for dinner. I just didn't want the extra distractions and by around 7pm I was ready to call Alexis. She had just arrived when Eve came home and I think with Ashia and Alexis being new in the process, I seemed to slow down a bit. Lis gave me a call to check in with me and I told her that I seemed to have slowed down so was going to try to catch some shut eye. We made sure Alexis was comfortable on the couch and Anupam and I went to lie down. What seemed like minutes later were a series of very strong contractions very close together and that was when things really seemed to start moving. Around an hour after speaking to Lis, we were asking her to come over. The contraction were hitting hard and often, but I still felt in control of the pain and kept wondering when it would get unbearable like it had with Eve's labor.
Lis arrived and I kept laboring. She started to fill the birthing tub and at some point she suggested that I get in. It was a smaller tub and I felt like I couldn't rest in there as well as I could in the tub for Eve's birth, so they tried to fill it with a bit more water. It was a bit better and labor kept right on getting stronger and stronger. I still felt in control of the pain, but was starting to get anxious for it to end because I was feeling so sleepy! Until my water broke...
This is where I think things in his labor were different from Eve's because all the things I had prepared for changed...
I knew that when the water breaks it usually intensifies labor so I thought to myself this is where it's going to get hard but I also thought that I was pretty close to transition so I could make it through it. I was so wrong!
Oh boy was I not prepared for how the labor would change. Where I was peaceful and calm, almost Zen like, in Eve's labor I was shouting and screaming with Arjun's. At one point I was saying that I couldn’t do this anymore and Lis reminded me that my self-talk was very important, and while I agreed whole heartedly with what she was saying, I couldn't change the fact that I truly felt I just couldn't go on. Now I was out of control. I was still in the birthing tub, with Lis holding my hands. She handed me over to Anupam, so that she could make a phone call to the second midwife. It was time for her to make her appearance. That's when it happened. Arjun shifted down in the birth canal beginning the end of transition. I contaminated the birthing water, making it impossible for him to have a water birth. Lis insisted that I take a shower before moving to the bedroom. While I had tried to prepare myself for the possibility that he wouldn't be born in water like Eve was, I never truly believed that he wouldn't be.
I think getting out of the water and then taking that shower were among the hardest things I have ever done. And getting both of those things done before the next contraction was impossible. I felt panicked and crushed Anupam with each contraction as my body started push. My only thought was to get into the bedroom and try to get comfortable. I kneeled on the end of the bed when Alexis asked if she should call Ashia so that Eve could be part of the birth. I said no because I was afraid that she would be scared with all the screaming I was doing with each push.
18 minutes later, I knew that he was getting close because I felt a sensation that I will spare you readers the details of. I pushed for 4 hours with Eve I couldn't feel her progression down the birth canal; not true with him.
At that point, Anupam, whom I had a death grip on and was probably, bruising his hands, tried to get up saying he'd be back in just a minute. I just knew that he had remembered that he never synced his watch with the atomic clock like he had his computer when Eve was born. If he left now, he'd miss the birth, not to mention that I just needed him there. What else was I going to scream at with the next contraction? Sure enough, probably 5 pushes later, Arjun was born on our bedroom floor. Finally, it was over. He was born and they handed him up to me. I finally got to hold my beautiful baby boy.
But, he wasn't breathing.
I didn't panic for the first few moments, because it took Eve some time to take her first breath as well. When he did, however, his breathing was quite labored and gurgly. Maria, the second midwife (who had arrived only 20 minutes before), took him from me and started to massage his body. Within a minute his breathing hadn't improved and Lis went for the oxygen tank. They both said I should talk to him, encourage him, but somehow I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if I should be scared or happy. I think I still felt that it would pass on his own and that he just needed a bit of time. 5 minutes passed and he was no better and talk of an ambulance started. We had clothes all ready for him, but no hat, nothing he could wear out of the house. Lis needed me to deliver the placenta, or a trip to the hospital would become all too complicated.
It seemed suddenly that all our careful planning hadn't been good enough: we didn't have the car seat installed, didn’t have warm clothes for him, didn't have enough blankets. I was all too aware of Maria's irritation about our "ignorance" that something could go wrong and that it was possible we'd be in this situation. We were worried that we were going to run out of oxygen and his color quickly turned to purple without it, so it was clear that we needed to get to the hospital. Lis basically told me at that point that if I delivered the placenta we could get ourselves to the hospital and if I didn't we'd have to call 911 and I'd become their patient and she'd have no control over the situation any longer and we could potentially end up in different hospitals. Out that placenta came, only moments later... Alexis brought me a bowl of cereal and got me some clothes.
Meanwhile, since Anupam woke Eve up while going into her room to look for a baby hat, Alexis called Ashia to have her come pick up Eve and take her to her house. I think if it hadn't been for Ashia's clear mind and good sense, getting to the hospital would have been more of an ordeal than it already was. Anupam was going to head to the garage to install the car seat, so she lent us her car with a rear facing car seat, Maria swaddled Arjun as best as she could, we buckled him in and Lis sat in the back next to me helping me hold his oxygen in place.
We walked into the emergency room and were met with rolling eyes at our apparent risky decision of having our baby at home. They took Arjun from me, put me in a wheel chair and wheeled us upstairs. I finally started to feel a bit better because I knew that we'd have the oxygen we needed and finally trusted that we'd have a happy ending. The doctor got Arjun stabilized, put him under an oxygen hood (which is where he stayed pretty much un-held for the first 24 hours of his life!), and I was given a room where I could rest. Anupam stayed up with Arjun, his hand on his chest, talking and singing to him, while Lis and I rested. A few hours later, Anupam came in while the nurse shift changed. He brought breakfast for all of us.
Doctors had changed over and the new doctor came to speak with us. I was so thankful that Lis was still there with us. The chest x-ray had shown that his lungs were filled with fluid (big surprise!) and she wanted to start an IV of antibiotics while waiting for his blood culture to come back from the lab. His breathing had cleared up considerably, but he'd have to stay for probably 48 hours. We agreed after asking a few questions, and they put in the IV.
I cannot describe the feeling a parent has while watching their helpless baby, not even old enough to know that the world around them isn't full of pain, be poked and prodded and literally untouched or held for the first few days of life. I felt immense sadness, but strangely at the same time, I had this odd disconnection. I didn't feel the same intense need to be with him that'd I'd had instantaneously with Eve. I knew logically that that would come with time, but I wasn't happy that it wasn't there already. Lis left sometime in the morning after making sure that we were all okay, I was comfortable, and we didn't need her any more.
Anupam headed home to clean up the place, bring clothes, meals etc and then to see Eve and spent the morning playing with her at Ashia's house. He came back to the hospital for a while, but eventually left again to go get Eve and relieve Ashia. I spent my time either sleeping or sitting next to Arjun’s cradle in the NICU. Anupam brought Eve (and dinner) by to meet him and see me but then went back home so Eve could sleep in her bed. Arjun's first night in the world and we slept in separate rooms instead of cuddling him close. On one hand, I knew that he would be well looked after and that I needed my rest for when he got home, but on the other I felt immense sadness that I couldn't give him what he deserved. Anupam spent his first 48 hours of life, running around, back and forth to the hospital, cleaning up the house, and often forgetting to eat and responding to work email which he gave up after day 1.
My mom got there on Tuesday and it got a bit easier for him to just stay with us in the hospital after that, so that was a relief. And finally on Tuesday afternoon I got to spend time holding my baby and even trying to nurse him. What a relief! That night the nurses woke me every three hours to nurse him and he was cleared to go home early the next morning. His breathing ordeal was over, and we finally got to go home and start being a family.
Now, after time has passed, I still feel intense sadness that our first pictures of him are in the hospital. I feel sad that I wasn't able to hold him, and had to spend so much time away from him. I can still clearly remember the pain and loss of control of his labor and birth. I feel a loss of that intense instant bonding that happens when you hold your baby for the first time after birth. These are things that I can't change any longer.
4 months later, Arjun is now a happy smiling baby and our lives will be forever changed!
Labels: Arjun, birth, hospital
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
That little boy just gets cuter each day
Don't you agree? ;)
